Baba's Ukrainian New Year Predictions

I promised you my narrator Baba would make Malanka predictions. That's coming straight up. First, Ukrainian saying of the week:

Good luck hangs by a thread, but bad luck by a thick rope.

Over to Baba:

Bania or bath house is sacred place in Ukraina. It serve same purpose as sweat lodge to Aboriginal North American, except ours is big wood house or dig from side of hill. We relax and we meditate. We make steam on rock and beat friend with birch rod for circulation. Ukrainian bath house have extra occupant, cranky spirit name banik.

If you disrespect ritual of bath house, banik can be awful mean. You not suppose to make loud burping or have sexy romance on bench. This can cause spirit to suffocate you in steam. However, they don't mind looking out from under bench if you cute when you naked. Probably better you don't go there alone.

Bania is excellent place to find lover. Is advantage in seeing person naked first. No unhappy surprise like in single bar.

During Malanka, New Year, women tell fortune in bania. Baba get this down to art, because is no-fail method to know what kind of New Year you going to have. She lift back of skirt and walk into bania this way. Not even thong to intervene in experience. If banik spirit touch her soft and warm, is good luck. If she feel cold, prickly hand, this is bad news all the way. Time to run.

Baba back into bania twelve time this week for your astrological viewing pleasure. You should be grateful:

Capricorn: Banik have warm hand for you if you keep nose to grinding stone. Also, you going to mistake someone else spouse for yours in all that bania steam.
Aquarius: Sorry, banik have cold prickly for you. Is probably because Baba is mad at runaround from Aquarius boyfriend and Aquarius city. Pah! No one say this not personal.
Pisces: For you, banik is lukewarm like aquarium. Like always, you going to drink like fish and get scooped up in dolphin-free net. Best date this year is some strange sea creature sucking your face.
Aries: If you don't stop investing in cheap condo and treat your Vancouver tenant nice, you going to get fleece like sheep. Banik give conditional handshake.
Taurus: Hey poopchik, is Chinese year of Ox! Get ready to rocking roll. Banik give you thumb up. Uh oh. Maybe that was wrong way to describe what really happen to Baba.
Gemini: Hello two face. This is good thing when you crossing street. Otherwise, banik have lukewarm hand for you. Year is not too bad, not too spectacular.
Cancer: Banik know if Baba don't have something nice to say, you going to cry. Okay. This year, someone within 10 mile going to get pregnant. You going to meet hot obstetrician. Now quit your crabbing.
Leo: Baba should have special place in heart for you, cuz she come from near Lviv, city of lion. This year banik say your admiring mane in mirror going to obscure your vision of reality. Get haircut for life improvement. Banik is holding out scissor and comb.
Virgo: Hoo boychik, banik sure like you. He rubbing Baba with warm massage oil that have gold flake and rosy smell. Don't be so nervous. Enjoy.
Libra: Banik hand is hot, is cold, is up, is down. Just like your emotion. Listen, any decision is better than no decision. This won't always make money for you, but at least you going to be in charge of something.
Scorpio: Oy yoi yoi, banik put his hot hand somewhere he shouldn't. Because you so Scorpio, you enjoy this. Or rather, Baba enjoy on your behalf. You feeling me, dorahenka? This is how rest of year going to go.
Sagittarius: That crazy banik take arrow from archer and boing! hit target. Baba is not happy. That was free inoculation she was not expecting. But is apparently good luck for you in love. Did you know Scythian, Ukrainian ancestor, invent bow and arrow?

Baba is hungry like steppe vovk, wolf. She going to go make kasha. Happy New Year, everybody!

Copyright 2009 Reisa Stone My Goat Prefer Naked: Ukrainian Soul Food with Stories From the Village