Baba Writes President Obama

Photo: Vanity Fair

Dear President Poopchik,

This your Baba here. I need to talk to you little bit about your Inauguration. Speech was pretty okay. Baba glad you restoring meaning of Constitution like Jefferson when he get it from Ukrainian. And hoo boy, that Aretha, she belt about freedom like is nobody business. No wonder she always getting respect.

Is good thing you taking time to make party. In Ukraina we say, Work is not a wolf, it won't run away into the woods.

Baba is tiny bit disgruntle with you making Mrs. Lincoln apple cake for lunch. What, you don't like Baba yabluchnyk? Her recipe would be apple in your eye. She going to withhold actual recipe till you call her. But here is some example how you should bake:

First, you find American heritage apple. You can make cake taste different each time, just like when someone you know get boyfriend to wear wig in bedroom. My daughter Odarka say this "too much information." I say is not enough.

Use butter and thick farm cream, not this stinking margarine and wimpola milk. Butter and cream have dusha, Ukrainian soul. Also honey instead of sugar. You jonesing to be real Ukrainian (Baba can see this in your good eye), use buckwheat honey. Will make your lip smack together.

Decorate top of cake with apple slice. If is sexy red like your tie, don't peel. If is green like Republican face, you know what to do.

Serve yabluchnyk with wild rose petal preserve. Together they are so powerful love spell, even that Russian Limbaugh going to give you floppy eye. Only thing is, you going to have to visit Baba in Canada for wild rose. Don't worry, she give you good deal and big kiss.

You want this recipe, phone: 1-900-ASKBABA. Only $4.99 per minute. Phone free crisis line and make comparison. Baba is sure you be back.

Mrs. Lincoln apple cake. Pah! You call your Baba, President Poopchik. She fix you up with real thing.

Bud zdorovyi yak voda, Be as healthy as the water.

Your Apple Love Monster,
Baba

Copyright 2009 Reisa Stone My Goat Prefer Naked: Ukrainian Soul Food with Stories From the Village